August 1, 2007 — Editor’s Note: This is a series of first-hand accounts of lives touched by drugs here in Carter County. The names will be changed to protect identity.



My story begins as me being the daughter of a drug addict. I watched my dad drink and do drugs from an early age. My mom had left and my dad could no longer take care of my sister and I. We went to live with family. We were brought up in church and taught right from wrong. We still had contact with our mom and dad and got to see our mom on a regular basis. Dad would always promise to come and see us and then we would get a call about how he had something to do and couldn't come. At the age of 11 I began drinking and experimenting with smoking pot. At 15, after the death of the man that assumed the role of being my dad had died, I went to live with my real father. I had left my sister behind. This seemed a natural environment to me. The drinking and drug use was not so much condoned as it was just accepted. I had started to use drugs pretty heavily to cover up some of the hurt I had felt in my life. My dad was going to jail for DUIs and possession charges and had lost his license. He worked in Lexington so I would not see him sometimes for a couple weeks at a time. I was a teenage kid in high school with no direction and no rules. I would get up for school just to go and pick up friends and get high before making my way up to the high school. I graduated in 1997 at the age of 17. Now that I was out of school, I had nothing to get in my way of partying. I just continued on my downward spiral of drinking and drugs. At 19, I had a very bad car accident. I did not know my name or where I was at the time. This was still not a wake up call to me.

Next, at 20, I became the wife of a man that I partied with. I kept on drinking and doing drugs. I thought I was a good wife at first. In all actuality, I was far from it. I was so messed up on drugs and just thought I was playing house. I love this man with all of my heart and I am so sorry that I couldn't see what I was doing to him and our life we were trying to build together. Not long after we were married I got pregnant. Now there was another life inside of me, dependant solely on me. I stopped the drinking and drug use as soon as I found out. I stopped smoking cigarettes too. I was so worried about what would happen to a child if exposed to the poison. For nine months I longed for what had become my best friend and my worst enemy. I had my daughter and she was so perfect. I thought at this time I could control my drug use. I attempted to use drugs in moderation. Being a drug addict, it didn't work that way. Shortly after having my daughter, I found out that I was pregnant again. My drug use ceased yet again. For nine long months, again, I wanted the comfort of my best friend. Finally I had my son. From this point on I felt that drugs were my only friends and that everyone was out to get me. I stayed at home with the kids while my husband worked long hours. I felt so lonely. So I began to do drugs even more. I felt the pressure of being a daughter, a wife, a mother, and so many other things crashing down on me. I just wanted to explode. Drugs were my escape. They allowed my to feel numb to everything going on around me. Four years into my marriage, my husband and I split up. I took the children with me. The devastation I felt after this was so immense that I just let the drugs consume me. If I could eat it, I did. If I could snort it, I did. If I could put it in a needle, I did. My life came to the point it was so out of control I could not function. I had no life. And, I had no chance of making one for my two young children in the state I was in.

Next, as a mother, I could not make the right decisions. The state took my children. At this point I had hurt and lost my family, my friends, my husband, my children, my dignity, my self-esteem, my self-respect, just to name a few. I came close, on more than one occasion, to loosing my life. I kept thinking, "What would my children do if they lost their mother this way?" I kept thinking I could handle things myself and do it my way. I felt like it was a process of elimination, trying all the wrong answers. I was failing every time. I kept thinking about my children and how to get them back. I was in and out of rehab thinking every time was the time that was going to take. It never did.

I was quickly loosing my life by this time and had prayed to God several times to take my life. It's funny because I had always been told to be careful with what I ask from God, because he answered that prayer. God took the life of that person and has given me a new one. It is a life in which He is in control of and I am glad for that. I get to lay down with my children at night and get up with them of the morning, a joy I would not have if I had kept on the road I was going down. I am a good daughter and have a great relationship with my mom. I am trying and still working on having one with my dad, who has cirrhosis of the liver due to the things he has done. I am building new relationships with friends that don't want anything from me. They just want to help and encourage the journey I am on. I am a good mother to my children who tell me I am their best friend and love me more than anything. My reply to them is "You have to love God first." I am overjoyed and honored that they hold me that close to their hearts. As for being a wife, I still am. It is now three years after our separation and we still are not divorced. He is still using drugs and I am praying for him. I am praying for anyone who has this problem and feels the way I did. I don't want my husband or anyone else to die from drug use. I am thoroughly convinced that I would not be alive today if it were not for those people that I know and don't know praying for me, and I would have no life at all if I had not accepted God. Please, if you have the problem I had and feel the way I did, ask for help. God is listening. It is up to you to pay attention.



NOTE: Anyone who is or has been addicted to drugs or has suffered loss due to the drug addiction of others is invited to send their story to mhogan@journal-times.com Fax to 474-0013 or 286-4201, or drop off at the Grayson or Olive Hill offices.